


Don't You Know That, Lucifer?

by Avatar_Morningstar



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, F/M, Hurt Lucifer, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Needs A Hug, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Whump, My First AO3 Post, Visions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26673709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avatar_Morningstar/pseuds/Avatar_Morningstar
Summary: “Whatever I see, I promise I won’t run away.”Lucifer shakes his head and keeps his eyes trained on the floor.  “You say that now, but you haven’t seen it yet.” He whispers.  Lucifer places both of his hands on either side of her face and shuts his eyes.  He takes a deep breath to steady himself before continuing. “Shut your eyes whenever you are ready, you can open them when things get too intense.”A short one shot about Lucifer's reluctance to say "I love you" to Chloe.
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Trixie Espinoza, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, Trixie Espinoza & Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 41
Kudos: 333





	Don't You Know That, Lucifer?

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy guys! 
> 
> This is my first time ever publishing fanfiction so please be gentle with me! I've been writing for a long time but have never had the desire to post it anywhere but here we are. 
> 
> This is my take on why Lucifer is unable to say "I love you" to Chloe. I hope you enjoy, thank you for reading! 
> 
> TW: none
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: Avatar-Morningstar

No matter how wholeheartedly Chloe Decker loves Lucifer, she also knows what she will and won’t put up with. Putting up with constant innuendos, late nights working at LUX, and an overall immature partner? Fine. The innuendos have been growing on her, the late nights are tolerable since they have become less frequent, and the immaturity is a little endearing at times. Regardless, the small things don’t matter to her since they have such a solid foundation. In fact, the annoyances have helped them grow stronger as a couple in the months since her and Lucifer have gotten together.

The reason his innuendos have been more bearable? Because now his only purpose of saying them is to make her smile and laugh. The reason he works less late nights at his club? Because he would rather spend his evenings eating dinner and doing activities together “as a family” with her and Trixie. And the immaturity? Well she would never admit it, but she always secretly liked that aspect of Lucifer’s personality. 

She had put up with worse things in relationships, in fact Trixie had already seen enough of what an unhealthy relationship looked like when Chloe was married to Dan. Trixie deserved a father figure who stepped up to the plate for her, who attended every family dinner, school play, and overall showed her that she was the most important thing in the world. Where Dan failed in all those departments, Lucifer excelled. Maybe he was overcompensating because his own father failed him, but regardless he was an amazing male figure in Trixie’s life. 

The only hangup of Lucifer’s status as her boyfriend was the lack of loving words of affirmation. Chloe had told Lucifer she loved him numerous times, but he never said those words back. Of course if she were to ask him if he loved her he would respond with a simple _Of course I do_ . But there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Since Lucifer didn’t lie, his lack of a response to a simple _I love you_ scared her. 

Had she not had Trixie she may have put up with it for a while, but she didn’t want to set a bad example for her daughter by having unhealthy relationships. Trixie told Lucifer she loved him nearly every night and Lucifer would end up brushing it off and making a joke so that she would laugh. She may not have noticed that he was avoiding saying it, but she would soon, and Chloe wouldn’t allow that to happen. Her daughter deserved better than that. 

It isn’t as if Chloe hadn’t tried to figure out his aversion to saying those words. She had talked to Linda about it, who always seemed to be more on Lucifer’s side. She talked to Amenadiel about it as well, who seemed to know something but was unwilling to tell her. Finally she broke and confronted Lucifer directly, but he had shut down entirely. He was never the type to welcome huge emotional revelations, but he had seemed to put up with them for her sake. This however, was something else entirely. The conversation seemed to scare him, and not in a normal fear of commitment kind of way, in a post traumatic stress kind of way. 

Even though they didn’t say those three words to each other, it was obvious that they felt it deeply based on how they acted. 

It was clear through the coffee he brought to her desk every morning, made just the way she likes it. It was clear in how she calmed him down after nightmares nearly every night. It was clear in the fiercely protective way he acted over both her and Trixie. It was clear in how she accepted every part of him, crispy bits included. 

There was no denying they loved each other more than anything, but she couldn’t get over his anxiety over saying those words. She understood the fear of someone not loving you back, but didn’t understand why he would think that about her. Especially after all they had been through together. It pained her deeply to think that his past hurt him so much that he could never truly live without fear. The worst part though was how much it affected her, regardless of how clear their love was, she didn’t like feeling more invested than him. She didn’t want to sleep in bed every night next to someone who had the potential to leave and be unaffected.

She tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but as the months went on her patience with him grew thinner and thinner. Although it broke her heart, it wouldn’t be long before she just couldn’t put up with it anymore. 

Chloe Decker deserved better.

~~~

“Alright, listen here you little urchin, if you think for a moment you are going to get away with this then think again. I’ve lived for eons and inflicted the worst kind of torture on the most damned souls this planet has ever known. If you do what you are about to do, I will not hesitate to inflict that very same torture on you.” 

“Lucifer, we’re just playing Uno.” Chloe says exasperatedly, rolling her eyes at the man sitting beside her. 

Lucifer stares menacingly at Trixie, who is completely unaffected by his threat. It has been a few weeks since Chloe brought up the elephant in the room, and she was learning to deal with it better. It still was an issue, one that she would be having to confront soon, but for now she was just trying to enjoy family game night.

Trixie matches Lucifer's gaze and stares down the man in front of her, holding up her two remaining cards in front of her face. As far as game nights go, Uno is always daughter’s time to shine and she somehow always ends up winning. A smirk makes its way onto her face as she puts down one of her cards. “Draw four.” she monotones. Lucifer's jaw drops and she holds her remaining card in the air triumphantly. “Uno.” 

“Okay I don’t want to play anymore.” Lucifer whines, throwing his stack of about twenty cards onto the table and flopping dramatically back into the couch. 

Trixie erupts in giggles and dances around the room as Lucifer sulks. Chloe catches his eye and his expression turns into a soft smile. Although he is a sore loser, something about seeing how happy Trixie gets when she wins makes up for his failure. Trixie runs up close to Lucifer and blows a raspberry at him. He flashes a wicked smile before lunging at her with inhuman speed and before Chloe can even blink Lucifer has Trixie in his arms and is tickling her stomach. 

The younger girl laughs wildly and tries to fight her way out of his grip, but it’s no use against his strength. “Lucifer let me go!”she squeals, her bright smile giving away that she doesn’t truly mean it. 

“This is your punishment for messing with the devil!” Lucifer retorts while continuing the assault on her stomach. Chloe watches the exchange with a smile on her face. Although she is still conflicted, she is glad that Trixie and Lucifer get along so well and that they genuinely have fun together. She’s never loved someone as much as Lucifer, and she’s never met someone who Trixie loved as much as him. 

“If you stop I’ll give you half of my chocolate cake!” Trixie finally shouts. 

The tickling immediately stops and Lucifer releases the child from his arms. He raises an eyebrow at her, unsure whether or not to believe her. This declaration even makes Chloe gawk, Trixie doesn’t share her cake with anybody. “Did you say that just to get me to stop?” Lucifer asks, curiosity lacing his voice. 

“No. You always keep your end of your deals, so I’m going to keep mine.” Trixie says with an eye roll, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Lucifer seems at a loss for words at her declaration so she continues. “But I do want to make a bargain- since you’re getting some of my cake you have to read me a bedtime story.” 

Lucifer scoffs and rolls his eyes at her, unsure whether to be proud of her bargaining skills or scared for himself. Chloe holds back laughter and gives Trixie a subtle thumbs up. “So let me get this straight- I get half a piece of chocolate cake, and you get to stop being tickled _and_ read a bedtime story? That hardly seems fair…” 

“Take it or leave it, that’s my final offer. If you don’t agree, then no chocolate cake for you.” Trixie replies smoothly, holding her hand out for him to shake. 

“Why you little miscreant.” Lucifer mumbles with a suppressed smile. He glances at Chloe, who gives a nod of approval, before standing up and shaking the young girl's hand. “Fine.” 

“Yes! Let’s go eat some cake!” Trixie shouts excitedly before sprinting to the kitchen. 

Lucifer smiles at her as she runs away before turning to Chloe. “She’s quite the little firecracker. Reminds me of someone I know.” he teases with a childish grin.

Chloe rolls her eyes and chuckles. “Well it definitely didn’t come from Dan, so I think she got that from me.” Chloe replies with a sigh, silently dreading her daughter’s inevitable angst filled teenage years. 

Lucifer smiles and hums before leaning down to plant a kiss on Chloe’s head. “Well that’s probably why I love her almost as much as I love you.” 

Without another word he strides away to follow Trixie, leaving Chloe completely shocked. She feels her eyes sting with unshed tears at his words. Not only had he just admitted to loving both her and Trixie, he had done so casually and without any kind of prompt. Although this made Chloe feel better about their relationship… why say it now?

A few minutes later Trixie runs back into the room, a few streaks of icing around her mouth. Chloe pulls herself together, dismissing the first time Lucifer admitting to loving her. She can’t help but smile at her daughter as she wipes the streaks of brown off of her face. “How was the cake monkey?” 

“Delicious!” she exclaims. Her face falls slightly when she notices the sad expression on her mother’s face. “Are you alright mommy?” 

Lucifer walks into the room and also takes notice of her expression. “Detective, are you alright?” he asks carefully, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

She waves a hand dismissively at the question and shakes her head. “I’m fine, we can talk later.” she says to Lucifer before turning back to her daughter. “You need to get cleaned up and get to bed, you have school in the morning.” 

“Okay, I love you Mommy.” she says quietly before hugging her mother. 

“I love you too Monkey.” Chloe replies while kissing the top of her daughter’s head. “Now go off to bed, don’t torture Lucifer too much.” 

Trixie’s eyes light up, the awkward situation between her mom and Lucifer clearly forgotten at the mention of him reading her a story. She runs off and takes Lucifer’s hand in hers to drag him to her bedroom. Lucifer shoots a fear filled glance back at Chloe, still clearly not used to the energy level of her daughter yet. Under normal circumstances Chloe would have laughed, or maybe even stuck her tongue out. But right now, all she can think about is Lucifer’s words to her. 

While she waits for him to finish reading Trixie her bedtime story she decides to clean up the mess they made from their game night. She starts with the scattered Uno cards, then moves onto the game of Clue (which Chloe won), and Operation (which Lucifer won). She puts all the games in the closet and moves to the white board in the living room to mark their wins. Since Lucifer has been staying the night more often than not, they all decided to keep tally of their wins when they play board games. So far the score is Chloe 13, Trixie 24, and Lucifer 3. He hasn’t quite gotten the hang of board games yet, but he has yet to complain. 

Chloe moves back to the couch and flips on the TV. As if on cue, the door to Trixie’s bedroom opens. “Goodnight, Urchin.” she hears Lucifer say gently. The pet name which Chloe hated at first now becoming a term of endearment. 

“Goodnight Lucifer. I love you.” she hears Trixie reply sleepily. 

Chloe turns her head to look at Lucifer backing out of the room. At the young girl’s words he freezes in place and his muscles visibly tense. For a moment Chloe thinks he is just going to nod and shut the door, but instead he lets out a deep sigh and offers a soft smile. “I love you too Beatrice, sweet dreams.” 

He shuts the door and walks over to the couch to sit with Chloe. Before sitting he sheds his suit jacket and throws it on the back of the couch to reveal a deep purple button up shirt. He flops onto the couch and closes his eyes. Chloe returns her eyes to the television set, fighting not to push any kind of emotional conversation with him. Although there are a million questions running through her mind she doesn’t dare vocalize them. 

“Detective, would you mind pausing the show? I want to talk.” Lucifer finally days after a few minutes of silence. 

Chloe pauses the television set and turns to face him. His eyes are still closed and his hands are balled up in tight fists resting on his knees. She places her right hand overtop of his left and he opens it so they can lace their fingers together. “What’s on your mind?”

He sighs deeply and shakes his head, clearly struggling internally. Chloe can feel the slight tremor in his hand, so she squeezes his hand gently as a sign of reassurance. “As you know, I have a very difficult time verbalizing my emotions.” he begins, voice soft and timid. “I have been working it out with Linda and want to be able to say how I feel, even if it terrifies me. Every time you tell me you love me I dismiss it. And every time you try to bring up something emotional or about my past I brush it off, but even though I don’t want to talk about it I think that-” 

“Lucifer we don’t have to-”

“No, Detective please.” Lucifer cuts her off, opening his eyes to look fully at her. “I know that I always say that I’m fine, but the truth is that I’m not.” 

Chloe raises her eyebrows in shock at his admittance. She had known for a long time that he was trying to act like he was put together, but she could never figure out why. He had always been an enigma to her- willing to throw himself into insane physical danger for her, to the point of LITERALLY jumping in front of an axe, but never willing to jump into anything emotional or admit to having feelings.

“Whatever you want to talk about, you don’t have to be ashamed. Part of my job is being here for you emotionally.” Chloe reassures gently. 

Lucifer shakes his head, his jaw clenching at her words. “It’s hard for me to accept that. I just feel incredibly guilty that you care about me so deeply. It scares me every time you have said you loved me because if you truly love me, the more darkness you have to deal with and the more hurt you will inevitably be. That’s the reason I haven’t been saying I love you, is because I don’t want to burden you with what loving me comes with” 

Tears well up in Lucifer’s eyes and he pulls away from Chloe to stand up and move to the window. Chloe doesn’t attempt to follow him, fearful that he will run away and end the conversation abruptly. “Have you ever considered that because I love you, that I love you fully and am willing to accept and help you through the darkness? I wouldn’t be here unless I didn’t want to be.” 

“You don’t understand!” Lucifer exclaims suddenly, spinning around to face her. Tears are rolling down his cheeks and his bottom lip is visibly shaking from the pain he is trying to contain. “If I let you in fully, you’re going to regret it. I can’t let you in like I want because you’re inevitably going to leave, and that is going to kill me.” 

Chloe can’t help but drop her head. How could she be so stupid? He didn’t not say he loved her because he didn’t, he was using it as a defense mechanism. All those nights she laid awake pretending to sleep, wondering if he actually loved her, he was probably wondering if she could ever love all the parts he considered to be broken.

Chloe sighs and makes a move to stand up. The other man takes a step back so Chloe stays seated. “You don’t have to open up to me all at once if it scares you then. Just tell me one thing, and that can be it for tonight. I promise I will not run away.”

The other man considers her offer and crosses his arms defensively over his chest. “Fine. Ask away.”

“What are your nightmares about?” 

Lucifer stays silent and shuffles his feet awkwardly. “Do you want me to show you?” 

Chloe nods and Lucifer extends his hand for her to take. A few years ago she would have dismissed him as being crazy, but now that she has seen the celestial side of his life she doesn’t question him. She takes his offered hand and rises to her feet. He doesn’t meet her eyes so she slowly touches his cheek with her hand. “Whatever I see, I promise I won’t run away.” 

Lucifer shakes his head and keeps his eyes trained on the floor. “You say that now, but you haven’t seen it yet.” He whispers. Lucifer places both of his hands on either side of her face and shuts his eyes. He takes a deep breath to steady himself before continuing. “Shut your eyes whenever you are ready, you can open them when things get too intense.”

Chloe takes a deep breath and shuts her eyes tightly. 

_Chloe is sitting in a brightly lit all white court house. She is sitting in the front row behind what would be the defense’s bench. She turns around and sees that all the seats behind her are on risers, and filled by other people. All of the people are clad in different colored robes and sprouting an array of beautifully colored wings. So this must be heaven, and all of these people are Lucifer’s siblings. A door opens and the angels all focus their attention to the noise. Chloe turns back around and sees Amenadiel walking into the room, a chain in his hands leading someone with a straight jacket and bag over their head into the room._

_It’s hard to tell who the person is as there are no discernible features present that she can see, but she has a pretty good guess about who it is. Amenadiel forces the other man down into a kneeling position to chain him to the ground and takes the bag off of his head to reveal Lucifer gagged and sobbing._

_Chloe can’t help but gasp at the sight of him. She has never seen him openly sob like this, and she has never seen him as banged up as he is now. Both of his eyes are black, his upper lip has been cut open, and blood is actively bleeding down his face from a gash within his hairline._

_Michael, Lucifer’s twin brother, walks into the room and takes a seat beside Chloe. His black wings are spread out widely, and his black robes are slightly disheveled. He pulls a towel out of thin air and begins to wipe wet blood from his hands onto the towel._

_“Samael!” A deep voice booms. Chloe looks up and sees a tall dark skinned man sitting in the judge’s seat. He is dressed plainly in tan robes, wings tucked away. “You have defied me and your siblings. And for that you must be punished!”_

_Lucifer’s eyes go wide and he struggles to speak through his gag. Amenadiel removes it gently but doesn’t make eye contact with his brother. “Father please! I’m sorry!” Lucifer begs, his voice shaking. “You know I only had the best interest of our family at heart!”_

_“No!” God shouts. “You are selfish, and you are no longer my son.”_

_Lucifer chokes out a sob and looks to Amenadiel for help. The elder brother’s eyes flicker with sadness before he shakes it away, back to a hard expression. Chloe turns around to look at the rest of the angels. The majority of them either have a look of distaste or hatred written across their faces, only one or two look empathetic for their brother._

_“Father, maybe we should reconsider-“ Amenadiel begins to speak softly but God shoots him a sharp look, silencing his eldest son._

_“You are no longer my son, and you are no longer part of this family. Never again will you be allowed in this kingdom, I cast you out! Your punishment is to rule hell for the rest of eternity, my word is final.” God waves his hand and a portion of the floor beside Lucifer opens up looking down into a vast abyss._

_God nods at Amenadiel, but the eldest son stays frozen, too shocked to move. Michael stands up from his seat beside Chloe and rolls his eyes before striding over to the front of the room. He unhooks Lucifer’s chain and smiles smugly at his twin. “Any last words, brother?”_

_Lucifer chokes out a sob and shakes his head. “Please Michael, don’t do this. I love-”_

_He is cut off by Michael throwing him into the abyss._

_Suddenly Chloe is viewing the vision through Lucifer’s eyes. She is hurtling down through the stratosphere at an alarming speed. Her skin is burning and she feels like her insides are on fire. She looks down at her hands and sees them burning to a red crisp, exactly like Lucifer’s devil skin. The ground approaches faster and faster and she can’t help but scream as it approaches._

Out of fear, she opens her eyes. 

She lets out a gasp, unable to catch her breath, and jolts backwards away from Lucifer. It takes a moment for her to regain her breath and calm down, her brain not quite yet caught up with the fact that it was only a vision. Chloe swears that she can still feel her skin burning from the memory Lucifer had let her experience from his perspective. She leans over and clutches the side of the couch to try to stabilize herself and calm down. “What the _hell_ was that?” she can’t help but gasp. 

“That was my fall.” he whispers quietly.

Chloe shakes her head and shuts her eyes tightly. If what she saw was really what happened, then his fall was more traumatic than she thought. It never occurred to her that his red burnt flesh was a result of his skin LITERALLY burning on his way to hell. It also made a lot of his insecurities make sense to her, especially his aversion to saying that he loved her. It was the last thing he tried to say to his family, people that were supposed to love him unconditionally, before he was thrown away like garbage.

Lucifer reaches out to place a hand on her back and she flinches away from his touch, not wanting to hurt his burnt and damaged skin that lingers in her mind. “Oh…” he whispers softly, clearly misinterpreting her actions. “I see…”

Chloe whips her head around to him and sees his eyes brimming with tears threatening to spill over. He slowly lowers himself to the ground in a kneeling position, head bowed submissively, identical to the one he took in front of his father. “Chloe please… I’m sorry.” he begins, his voice quivering before transforming into a soft sob. “I don’t want you to think less of me for what you saw… please don’t… please don’t make me leave.” 

Chloe stares at him, jaw hanging open. The amount of emotional damage that this one event caused him is clear. Anytime he grows to love someone he thinks that it will never be enough for them. That anyone who is supposed to love him won’t love him properly. Chloe makes a silent vow to herself that she will never let that happen again. 

In a moment she is on the ground with him and pulling him into a fierce hug, allowing tears of her own to spill as she cradles his head into her neck. The other man responds immediately and wraps his arms around her back in a tight grip. He audibly lets out a choking gasp and Chloe feels his hot tears dripping onto her neck. “How can you accept me after what you’ve seen?” he gasps, obviously in shock at receiving a hug instead of eternal damnation. 

“I would never judge you based on what I’ve seen.” she reassures him. “You did not deserve what happened to you, and I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did.” She pulls away from him and places both hands on his shoulders, urging him to look up into her eyes. “I am so proud of you for sharing with me, and for who you are today. To go through all of that and still be a kind and good hearted man, friend, and father figure to Trixie. You were made stronger by your experiences, but they do not shape you.” 

Lucifer pulls her back into his arms and buries his face into his hair, inhaling the scent of her familiar lavender shampoo. This scent settles him down a little bit, but he still feels uncertain about what he showed her. “You don’t think I’m broken?” he questions hopefully. 

Chloe runs her hands over his back comfortingly and lets out a thoughtful sigh. “I can’t pretend to understand the amount of pain you carry on your shoulders every single day. Even with all that pain, and an entire world to occupy yourself with, you’ve chosen to spend your time here in Los Angeles solving crimes with me. You’ve sacrificed so much for me, and have been willing to open up yourself to pain and heartbreak instead of running away from it. You may have baggage, but you are NOT broken, and now you have me to help you carry your load.” 

This time it’s Lucifer’s turn for his jaw to drop. “You would do that for me?” 

“Yes.” she replies easily. 

“That’s just one memory, there are loads more. It’s so much to put up with and suffer through. Are you sure that you want to endure my pain like that again?” 

“I knew it was going to be painful, and I’m willing to endure it.” she states as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. She pulls back so she can look into his deep brown eyes and strokes his cheek with her thumb. 

Lucifer raises an eyebrow at her curiously. “You knew it would be painful but you agreed to it anyways?” 

Chloe only chuckles and smiles at him. “Yes… And I would do it again… And again... Don’t you know that, Lucifer?” 

Lucifer practically melts at her saying those words to him, words he meant with every fiber of his being all that time ago. His features relax and his eyes fill with love for his detective. 

Chloe kisses him softly on the forehead before standing and offering a hand to help him up. “Let’s go get some sleep.” she says while nodding her head towards their shared bedroom. 

He returns her smile and allows himself to be helped up and lead to the bedroom. Once there they both change out of their clothes and crawl under the covers. Chloe opens her arms and Lucifer immediately allows himself to be pulled into her embrace, throwing one of his arms and legs over her body to hold her tightly. 

She rubs his naked back for a few minutes, enjoying the feeling of his warm skin relaxing under her fingertips. “Goodnight Lucifer.” she whispers quietly.

“Goodnight darling.” he replies drowsily, nearly already asleep.

“I love you.” she replies after a beat of silence. “I know you struggle to say it back because you’re afraid, but I’m not saying that I love you so I can hear it back. I’m saying it just so that you know you are loved.” 

A tear threatens to spill out of Lucifer’s eyes for the millionth time that night. He props his chin up on her chest to look at her fully in the face. “It is hard for me, and I may not say it back every time, but I hope you know that I do love you too. I love you more than anything.” 

Chloe only smiles in response and hugs him tighter. Lucifer puts his face into her neck and she can’t help but let a soft smile spread across her face as she buries her nose into his hair. Even though it’s just a small step, it’s a step in the right direction. She would do anything to help him feel loved, and if that meant viewing his fall a hundred more times she would do it. 

All that mattered was that she loved him and he loved her, and that was incredible.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this far! If you liked it please leave a kudos or a comment, I would really appreciate it! I'm always open to fic ideas so shoot me a message on Tumblr if you have one. 
> 
> Thanks again, stay safe out there, and be kind to each other! :)


End file.
